Who are we really?

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Recently I’ve been really looking into who I am. This may sound strange at first so let me explain.

We are generally seen as our roles or places in society. How often do we meet someone new and the initial question is always ‘what do you do?’ How often do we respond with our current (not necessarily chosen) job role or profession and not say what we actually do? When I ask myself what I do and I don’t respond with ‘Yoga teacher and Ayurvedic massage therapist’ the answer is quite different. People generally only see what we want them to and they only see our ‘public’ face, not the real us. We can feel afraid of showing up as we really are, afraid of being judged and thought to be crazy.

I love to daydream, to imagine, to feel inspired. To write and read, to walk amongst trees and barefoot on the earth. To swim naked and then to lie under the blazing summer sun and to be at one with the elements all around and within me. To feel vibrantly alive and in love with life. How easy is it to maintain this in todays society and in life on a day to day basis? And if we don’t maintain it where do we go? Have we become lost? How can we nurture and treasure that connection with our sense of our wild and true self? How we keep the feral free heart within us alive?

In my ‘former’ life i was an NHS worker, loyal partner, with a stable home environment, a ginger cat and a part time Yoga business. I was known as happy go lucky and always exceptionally cheerful and bright in my demeanour. Was this the real me? And if not how could I rediscover myself?

Following a massive unexpected life change (and a huge jolting shock is often what it takes), I lost my partner, home, and cat and then chose at this time to give away a lot of my material possessions. I became nomadic (and still am) in my living and sleeping arrangements, staying with friends for periods of time and moving from place to place with Yoga and Ayurveda work along the way. I continued to give away more and more material possessions the more I moved to reduce the amount I had to carry, but also as I realised that these ‘things’ were not who I was. I currently have 4 boxes of kitchen equipment, 6 boxes of books and 4 boxes of clothes.

I have had some emotional turmoil to deal with, and I am still working through this. As I slowly and methodically peel away all of the layers that gave me my previous identity, shed the familiarity of a material home, in exchange for a home wherever I am (and friends are so amazing in their hospitality) I choose now to live in this way. I choose to drift, to be as unattached as I can to the stuff of life, to be truly laid bare in terms of who I am. Its not always easy, but i know its the right thing for me right now.I have to work on feeling grounded and to keep my focus, plans can be tentative but then fate shows me the way every time.

Its all about trust. Trust and a calm confidence in who you really truly are, trust in the universe to show you the way. Trust in your inner voice and be aware of the chattering of the mind that may try to persuade you to conform or to adopt that which you don’t need. Trust in raising your awareness of your own true nature and sense of self, of being true to who and what you really are.

It’s not for everyone, this non conformist roaming nomadic life, and it may or may not be for me for ever. But it is the right thing for me at this time in my life. Listing to the inner wisdom of the heart, going wherever I feel instinctively is the right place at the right time, with people who I know love and care for me (and those who I feel don’t I now avoid).

I may appear to be drifting but I know the way. I may appear to be lost but I am never afraid. I wholeheartedly know who am and I know my destination is out there waiting, albeit ever changing.


Return to self

Remembering who I am
a sense of selfWho am I?
Beneath the public image
The old roles of
steadfast partner
Business woman
Spiritual practitioner
Community pillar

It takes a while
Perhaps forever
Many lifetimes
To discover oneself
It requires silence
Kindness and gentle curiosity
No judgement
We must be fearless
And brave
With an ever open listening heart
We must be ready and willing
To respond to the inner voice
Of the true self
Of absolute freedom

I look at myself
Not the physical
Not the flesh and bones
I look beneath the surface
Who am I?

I recall a real love
Not of the human kind
A wild passionate untamed force
Does this still reside within me?
Let me reconnect
with my own true love
A love of wild open spaces
The ocean, trees, wild moors
Of solitude
Freedom in its truest sense
Poetry and painting
Witnessing the growth of nature
Travelling to new places
Unknown spaces
Adventurous and exploratory
Twilight and the ambrosial hours
Dawn awakening
And contemplation
Reading books
Drinking in knowledge
and inspiration
Talking for hours
with real friends by firelight
Listening to sounds of nature
And music
To stir the soul
A feral existence
Dancing like a wild thing
Laughing until my belly aches delicious with happiness
and pure delight
Nighttime under the clear starry sky
Daytime in the warm sunshine
Wandering at will
Throughout life
I feel excited
I feel the essence of life
running through my being
Once more
I am sweetly surrendering

Now is the time
I remember who I am
Welcoming myself home
After years in the wilderness
Wandering lost and lonely
I have finally come back to myself
Barefoot in the dirt
In the embers of the fire
Living from the hearts wisdom
With strength of spirit
Akin to goddess Kali
Compassion and wisdom
Yet not suffering fools
Wild woman
Soul sister
Free to roam
I am home

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